Im 26 I grew up having a great life, never raped or in an abusive house or any issues there just so were clear. My issues stem from a combination of bad past relationships, and seeing first hand the disgusting percentage of men that are unfaithful and the real value of marriage today... Let me allaberate.. Ive been through the ringer when it comes to pigs (unfaithful men)...been cheated on, aside from left for an ex gf, and left for an ex wife all from different boyfriends. That was the first degree of my emotional turmoil...
I was a bartender before i got my sh*t together and in that period of time i witnessed an overwhelming number of unfaithful marriages, it was devastating to watch... On top of it all- the one relationship i always admired and looked to for inspiration, the one that gave me hope- turned out not to be so admirable. (My parents after near 30 years)
Be it a run of bad luck or bad karma, the amount of extreme emotional damage and everything i had been through up to that point resulted in my HATE of all men, i lost any and all kind of hope in marriage or any kind of lasting relationship i had left. In turn i became celibate and avoided any kind of emotional connection with a man. I was to the point that i actually wished i could become a lesbian and avoid ever becoming involved with a man again. Unfortunately im just not at all attracted to women...
Then i met my current husband. He really put himself through a lot to win me over. I seen what a genuine good guy he was. He restored a small amount of belief that good guys might actually exist. So i gave it a try. For the first year and a half he felt like he was the only one in the relationship, and he had good reason. I cared about him but I still kept contact with all my guy friends, he hated that and it caused alot of problems. For me it was my way of not getting in to deep and letting myself be 100% commited and vulnerable again.
That helped lead to a series of physical abuse from his part. (working on the root of this problem..he was abused throughout childhood) This isnt even where my problem lies, so i dont want all the focus to be here. He is honestly an all around amazing guy apart from that. My thoughts were i would rather endure the physical pain any day over any more emotional damage. My thoughts are if that was the only thing really wrong with him then im golden. At least that's something you can work on together...
I had no doubt that he was the guy for me. We got married, it made me feel more secure with him.. I finally stopped talking to guys and tried being 100% with him. I excepted that i really loved him and if i didnt change i would lose him. I completely let my guard down, things were amazing... Then one night we came across this new feature on facebook that saves your people search history (our computer monitor is our tv) we were sitting on the couch next to each other when I looked at his history, Not expecting to find anything since he hates facebook and hardly ever gets on the thing...I seen he had looked up his ex wife...
This is where my issues start- In that moment i experienced something ive never felt before. Not sure what to call it... A total meltdown, severe panick attack, Horrible anxiety? Not quite sure. Felt like a mix of all the above. I was hyperventilating, couldnt breath felt like i was going to throw up all at the same time. A flood of thoughts took over my head- He is thinking about her, that means he misses her! OH MY GOD! how could i be so stupid and blind?!! I got an overwhelming feeling that i had been blind sighted and that he is actually just another pig like all the rest. I didnt know what to do, threw a bag together and was tying to leave. He tried calming me down, telling me i was in no condition to be driving anywhere. He didnt know what to do as he had never seen me like that either. I couldnt see or think straight, i knew there was no way i could drive. So i stayed. When i finally got myself under control we talked about the cituation.It was a long heated debate, he got angry when he found searches of mine for ex's, comparing his one time looking up an ex to my looking up several exes. Even tho what seems like a valid point, i couldnt reason. I knew what my intentions were, to me it just wasn't comparable. He said he never contacted her, he swore up and down that not a single part of him misses her or would ever consider taking her back. He claimed he looked her up because he was told her new husband looked just like him. I decided to believe him...
I tried to tell myself- move foreward, forget about it, i was over reacting that it really wasnt a big deal. I could only wish- I found that was impossible.
Ever since i found that, And what i experienced... I knew what i found was such a tiny matter, and that if he were to really leave me for her or cheat, anything related of a larger scale... I would be SO screwed!! I would be so entirely ruined beyond repair that there would be no coming back from that. Probably ever!! I might as well be dead, i would already be emotionally dead... I started acting completely out of character for myself. My time from then on was consumed by digging and more digging trying to find any thread of evidence that this man isn't the good guy i have been lead to believe; that he will hurt me if i dont take action and get out while there is still pieces of me still left..
I acted like a crazy person- spending hours looking through his entire email accounts dating back to before we even got together. Researching how to recover deleted text and facebook messages. Phone history- anything i could get my hands on that might tell me something. Questioning every motive. I would see what i was doing and know i was acting like a total NUT, but i couldnt make myself just stop and get off it already.
My crazyness has calmed way down, i gave up on trying to dig up things on him. It just hurts that he doesnt understand my situation or try to. Although he thinks he has it all figured out, He calls the things i was hurt by in the past so petty and that i just crave attention. I just wish he would try to do some real research and understand a little better. He is very hard to talk to about my issues so it would be nice to get some outside opinion. Also a small part of me wonders if the abuse part is still lingering subconsciously? Like an unclosed wound? Maybe helping to fuel the fire of what was my crazyness?
I dont know, im just trying to find answers...
All that aside..We have been married a little over a year and I love him more than anything, i honestly couldnt imagine life without him. We are each others best friend, we do everything together. We even started our own business and work everyday together! And yet we never get sick of each. More than anything i want to be able to trust my husband fully without reservations. I have no reason not to! I really feel that he would never hurt me. I just wish i knew how to let go of my insecurities, its nothing but toxic junk. There are so many better things to focus on like a long and happy marriage! If anyone can relate and grant some advice that would be so much appreciated. I love to read, maybe there is a book i can benefit from? Even if there is no advice to be given, its been refreshing to vent. So thanks for reading
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